Obsession

Photo by Phil Hearing on Unsplash

I know my inner demon —

it has a shape,
a name,
a voice that calls mine.
It stays dormant
only for a little while.

No matter
what I am doing,
it tends to appear —
uninvited,
and sometimes longed for too.

It makes me cry at times,
but also smile,
or frown,
or ache.
It keeps me distracted,
pulling at my heart
until I don’t know
if anything is real at all.

I know it is unreal —
but I can’t let it go.

One thing I will never tell you

One thing I will never tell you

is that you are strong.

But you may be.

She was.

Stronger than me,

by miles.

I still don’t know how she bore such pain

and stayed kind,

attentive,

listening—

to me.

She held space for my agonies

and offered

tips on surviving

this strange, strange life.

One day I said it.

“Sammy, you are very strong.”

I meant it

with all my heart.

But on the phone,

she paused.

Her voice—

not angry,

just… surprised.

“Of all the people in the world,” she said,

“I didn’t expect this from you.

You never saw the effort

I put in

just to accept things as they are?”

And just like that,

my compliment

became a wound.

I think I hurt her.

So bad.

But she forgave me.

Because that’s who she was.

From that day on,

when I want to say,

“You are strong,”

I stop myself.

Instead, I try—

to see the quiet effort

people make,

to carry their days

without breaking.

Sammy,

that’s just one

of the gifts

you left with me.

If I were a man

 If I were a man,

I think I’d be
more self-centered.
Would that make me feel
better?
Liberated?

Would I stop
caring for others—
just care for myself?

Is it because I'm a woman
that I care too much?
That I cling to order,
to the weight of everything?

If I were a man,
would I feel less stressed?
Would I look at beautiful women,
sip a drink without guilt,
leave when I please,
untethered?

If so—
then maybe,
just maybe,
I'm better off
as a woman.

Because I care.
I stay.
Even when it’s hard,
I hold it all—
so that everything
stays in place.

Alma Mater (01.09.2021)

 Alma Mater

A nurturing mother.

That’s what you were supposed to be. You were nurturing, yes I agree.

Were you motherly? I am unsure. I am unclear. 

I am grateful for everything you gave me. 

The ABCs. The 123s.

I am so very grateful for all the hours, all the letters you gave me. 

But where is the quality? Where is the meaning?

What are the words those letters make?

You had a good structure. So very sturdy. 

But did you make a home for me?

Inside all that sturdiness? 

Just because of the strength?

Where is all the warmth I must feel?

Was my heart too cold? Were my nerves too numb?

Alma mater! 

So prestigious. So glorious. 

You were nourishment. 

But...

But thirsty is what I was. 

Beyond a dream

I had a dream last night. We were together at place which seemed to be a carnival. We were having fun, there was a big crowd and by the way we were together I could tell that we were a couple. It felt so good to be with you, although it was just a dream. It felt real, as reals as the days you are seated in front of me telling me how much you miss your old girlfriend.

This was just a dream. You promised me you'd stay for dinner. I was over the moon. I was so happy that I'm pretty sure that I was smiling for real. But then suddenly you left without a notice. Not even a goodbye. And, I remember seeing two parcels of dinner with you as you left in your bike.

I woke up, I was crying. Then I was thinking. Isn't this what I always, always fear that you will leave me without a notice. Like all the others did. I know I cannot keep you with me forever although, at this point of my life, it is my only wish. If you are planing to leave, I wish you'd let me know. Without ghosting me, without leaving me astray.

I just wish you'd love me the same way I love you

Fire.Burns.Light

It hurts so much
But I did know
I am embracing fire
I was going to get burnt

It hurts so much
But I can't quit
When there is fire
There is light!

Sky, I envy you!

Dear sky up above
Gloomy and ready to pour 
I envy you!

In a moment,
Raindrops will fall
Making your burden light  

The Sun will shine 
Once again
As if it never rained 

Dear sky up above
I envy you!

My heart, too, is gloomy
as gloomy as you right now

But,
Unlike you
I have no tears 
No tears to cleanse my regrets

So, my dear sky,
I will never see 
a sunny day again.