There can be no companionship with a fool

We hear that we are social beings all the time. We carve friendships of others. We look for shoulders to cry on, hands to hold. While majority is like this, there are a few among us who carve solitude and for some unexplainable reason, the society tries to look at these alone-people with an eye of suspect. However, there is a great difference between being lonely and being alone. Many people are alone and lead happy lives.

Loneliness might seem like a bad thing. It is not a soothing feeling you get when you know that there is no one you can rely on. It’s tough when you do not have someone to talk to when you are sad. But, is it all right if we keep a relationship with another person for the sake of not being lonely?

Friends are an essential element of a successful life indeed; value of a good relationship cannot be measured. What’s also immeasurable is the harm a depressing companionship will cause on you.

Buddhism speaks about loners, explains why they should continue to be alone if they cannot find a better or an equal companion. 61^st verse of Dhammapada says:

Carance nadhigaccheyya
seyyam sadisamattano
ekacariyaram dalham kayira
natthi bale sahayata.

(Meaning: Avoid going along with fools. Should one fail to find one better or equal as companion, then one should continue this journey alone. There can be no friendship with fools.)

These lines were delivered by the Buddha while he was residing at the Jetavana monastery. Mahakassapa thera, one of the Buddha's most eminent disciples was residing near Rajagaha Nuwara with two young bhikkhus. One of them was respectful, obedient and dutiful to the thera, but the other was not. When the old thera blamed the latter for his slackness in his duties, he was very much offended. On one occasion, he went to the house of a lay-disciple of the thera, and lied to them that the thera was ill. Thus, he got some choice food from them for the thera; but he ate the food on the way. When admonished by the thera for this, he was extremely angry. The next day, when the thera was out on his alms-round, the young foolish bhikkhu stayed behind, broke the pots and pans and set fire to the monastery. When a bhikkhu from Rajagaha told the Buddha about this, the Buddha said, “If a person seeking a companion cannot find one who is better than or equal to him, let him resolutely go on alone; there can be no companionship with a fool,” pointing out that it would have been much better for   Mahakassapa Thera to live alone than to live with a foolish companion. 

Another similar story is read in Dhammapada verse 330.

Ekassa caritam seyyo
natthi bale sahayata
eko care na ca papani kayira
appossukko matanga' ranneva nago.

 Meaning of this verse is that, ‘it is better to live alone; there is no fellowship with a fool. So one should live alone, do no evil, and be carefree like the elephant roaming alone in the forest.’

 It’s not always easy to tell a positive relationship from a negative one. Yet if a friendship is stressing you out and demands too much from you, most probably that is a negative friendship. You know that it is not a positive relationship when you don’t get anything back no matter how much you offer. These toxic relationships can be bad for our mental health and well-being. 

If you are a person who is afraid to be alone or a person who is tired of friends who destroy the best in you, it is time to think back. Always remember that friends you make is a choice of yours. If you can’t see a single way of improving your toxic relationship, you should think about letting it go. You don’t have to keep friends to show the world that you are not alone. Don’t be scared of being lonely; be scared of foolish companionship which may suck your life out of you. Being a forever-alone will be not so scary if you consider the harm done by toxic relationships.

Life lesson from a tuk-tuk driver

I went to school in a school van service from grade one to 13. Most of us became good friends within a few years and shared many experiences during that period, both good and bad. We weren’t always good children. Mischievous at times, we learnt a few lessons for life from some things we did.  I still remember one such lesson which made us learn a lesson through the feeling of guilt. As I remember, I was still in grade three; it was the period when we weren’t much thrilled about the food inside our lunch boxes. My friend and I used to return home with a not-empty lunch box at least two days a week. We all know what a not-empty lunchbox means. It means disaster if you get caught to your mother. My friend was also scared of her mother and knew what’s waiting for her if she didn’t empty her lunchbox before she gets home. We had to do something but we couldn’t eat what’s inside because we were worried whether the food was stale.

I can’t remember whose idea it was or how we started it; I only remember that we wanted to have fun and save my friend from her mother. We started throwing food out from the open shutter targeting kids traveling in school vans. It was an ugly thing to do, but we didn’t realize it then, since we were all kids. It was fun and the lunchbox got empty. That’s all what we knew.

We couldn’t continue shooting kids with bread for a long time. One day we threw food into a three-wheeler in which there were three kids in the back seat. They were our targets. We were masters of shooting bread by then and we managed to throw a few pieces of bread in to this three-wheeler. Those children got irritated and complained to the tuk-tuk driver and he wanted our diver uncle to pull over. He didn’t do as the tuk-tuk driver said and fate decided to meet us up near the color lights.

And we got a lecture; a lecture I still remember after one and half decades. He asked us whether we knew how many kids starve with no food and whether we know how hard our parents have to work that they could feed us everyday. He blamed us for dirtying his vehicle that he’ll have to wash it now.  He scolded us, ‘Oyala maha pawukara lamay,’ (you sinful children). That was the last time we ever threw food out of our school van or from any other vehicle. Even today, I think twice before throwing any amount of food away.

Sometimes you learn lessons from complete strangers. This is just one such event. You too, may have lots of stories to tell, where you learned lessons from strangers. We humans make mistakes, sometimes because we are so ignorant about the consequences of our act and sometimes because we’ve got nothing else to do. However, if you carry the guilt feeling on your shoulder, although you made the mistake unconsciously, then there is a chance that this guilt would become a greater problem than the penalty of the real mistake.

The feeling of guilt can be an advantage at times. When your body is out of food, it sends you a message, a feeling of hunger, to notify you that you need to have food. When your phone battery is low it sends you an alert that it needs to be recharged. Likewise when you get to know that you have violated a morale value, consciously or unconsciously, your mind sends you a message telling you that you shouldn’t have done so. This is called ‘guilt’. This is what happened to our little mischievous gang in the school van; the guilt feeling motivated us to be better children.

But sometimes people carry guilt around for unrealistic reasons. Let’s say a girl who ended her relationship with her boyfriend is carrying a guilt feeling with her for the thought that she ruined this boy’s life. In reality, if the girl stayed with the guy, it would cause more harm to both of them. It would be futile to fret over this for years and years. Let’s say that you went out with your friends and a terrible accident happened. Your friend got badly injured. You feel guilty about what happened to your friend because it was your idea to go out with him or her that day.

Guilt occurs because we focus on the emotion itself and ignore the real reason behind the incident. This girl might have ended her relationship because it was no good for both of them and your friend got injured because he wasn’t careful crossing the road and not because you invited him out. But both of them could leave out the reasons and be guilty for the rest of their lives. You can see that there is no point if you carry the guilt with them taking the responsibility in both incidents.

It is only a fool who makes the same mistake twice. If you make a mistake, learn your lesson from it. Take this an aid to help your life. Always remember that the real problem is not making mistakes, but not learning from your mistakes and carrying unnecessary guilt on your shoulders.

Designer labels: A waste of money?

During my school days I didn’t know anything about branded clothes or accessories other than for Prada. I knew the brand Prada only because I watched the 2006 movie The Devil Wears Prada starring Anne Hathaway and Meryl Streep. Being a girl who is ignorant about fashion, I couldn’t understand most of the fashion discussions my colleagues had or why they spend so much money on clothes, cosmetics or makeovers when I started working. I was amazed by their knowledge on fashion, cosmetics and branded items. Some of them even knew to name the design of what Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge was wearing when she came out from the hospital with Prince George. I tried to listen to them and learn a few things about fashion and brands including that Duchess of Cambridge was wearing a Polka dot dress on this day. But I failed to understand them and finally decided to give up. However, I didn’t stop eavesdropping.

Hanging out with them, I learnt that some think that the only way to look good and fashionable is to purchase expensive materials- clothing or accessories from a well known, high-class shop. Some tend to pay a lot of money just for the name printed on the cloth’s price tag- its brand. You know how branded goods are expensive. Conversely, people who don’t believe in buying designer brands say some are only paying for the brand names and not for the product and its use. I believe that this statement could be interpreted as right and wrong at the same time depending on the materials they use.

Some may say that one will only be paying for the brand name and that the product is no better than any other. While you are paying in part for the privilege to wear the brand’s name, you are also probably purchasing a product that is high in quality. High quality clothes tend to last long and fit better while giving you the satisfaction of wearing branded clothing. But most of the branded fashion items are not local. Therefore, they are made to tally their customer’s needs and climate but not ours.  As an example, a branded leather jacket from UK or USA would not be suitable for this countries climate.

However, this habit of wearing or using branded material seems to be an attempt of keeping one’s social status.  Wearing designer clothing aligns you with an elite group which includes people who can afford it. Also, only the people who spend money on, or wear designer clothing recognize designer clothing. They can also usually recognize cheap clothing. Sometimes it seems like an endless battle of making each other jealous of their branded clothing, which helps them keep up to their status.

It is true that designer clothing is unique and rare. But you can also fulfill your need with usual clothing along with a little bit of creativity. You can make fashion an art but not a thing to be used to show off some status you do not have. However, if you are a fashion icon or a celebrity, buying and wearing designer clothing can be justified. But it is hard to rationalize why a normal person would spend money on designer clothes and branded items just to come to work. You are coming to your office to work, perform your duties, and showing off your social status cannot be among your duties.

Same goes with the fashion jewelry and other accessories.  A 1,000 rupee wrist watch and a 100,000 rupee wrist watch would read the same time if they are adjusted properly. So, why spend more money? Sri Lanka is still a developing country. There are people suffering who are unable to fulfill their basic needs. There are children deprived of education and there are people who have got only one change of clothes.  There are thousands of classrooms across the country without a wall clock to check the time while you wear an extremely expensive watch which you never use to check the time. You’ve got a sophisticated phone in your hand which helps you to read time. Therefore, you don’t even have to wear a watch.

When you spend too much money on branded expensive goods, think twice whether they are essential to you. See whether you can get another brand for a lower cost. Stop spending money unnecessarily, especially on imported products. Help a poor student to learn, if you think you need to spend this money. Think about the country, think about its future. Spend wisely on meaningful things.