How to say NO without looking like a jerk

We like to please others, from the beggars getting in to the bus hoping that there will be kind hearts who would spare some change for them, mother who is asking you to help prepare dinner to a colleague who is asking to stand in for him in an office issue. Pleasing others who asks you for help is one of the kindest things you can do, therefore saying NO to these people will be an extremely hard thing to do. How can you say ‘no’ to the person who stands up for you at office or your mother who always takes care of you? It will be a rude thing to do. Sometimes, in your head you might think it is your responsibility to help out the near and dear ones. Saying ‘no’ when you have this feeling might provoke a guilt feeling.

It’s good if you never have to turn down requests of your friends or loved ones. Yet, there is a limit you can be helping others. Helping people can be great, but if you say yes to everyone who asks, you'll never be able to do it all and you will not have time to attend to your matters. If you are included in the category, which you can’t open you mouth to say ‘no, there is a chance that you get loaded with tasks that you don’t enjoy performing. This isn't good for anyone; not to you or to the person who was seeking help. You're not going to do your best when you're unhappy.

If you are a person, who finds it hard to say ‘no’, you are probably aware of this and maybe you have experienced it. You might have wanted to say ‘no’ to reject some but something inside you prevented you from saying it. Therefore, as usual, you carried the other person’s chip on your shoulder, even though it weighs too much for you. How do you stop saying ‘yes’ to everyone.

But, how do you say no to a request with out looking like a jerk? All what you need is a little bit of confidence to speak out your mind. Here’s how you can turn down a request asking for help without making yourself look like a jerk. When a person asks you for help and you feel that you aren’t ready to help him or her, have the guts to say ‘no’. But first, let the person finish what he or she is saying. Think to yourself whether it’s possible or not. Don’t interrupt the person until he/she finishes talking. Learn to listen to the person with respect, even though this person is continuous help seeker who has almost got on your nerves for reaching out to you for every simple thing.  

You may feel bad for declining, but don’t show the other person that you are upset about it. Keep your voice calm and confident and keep it as simple as, “sorry, I will not be able to help you this time.” It will remind this person that you have already helped him several times and will be available to help him in the future events. If the person looks disappointed, don’t try to explain yourself or confront him with the previous times you have offered him help. 

Do not feel obligated to explain. You have your reasons and they may not be ones you wish to discuss.  Keep in mind that it's your time they're are requesting for and you have the choice to accept or decline what they're asking of you.

But in return, you too must understand that there will be events where others will have to decline your requests for help. As much as you feel burdened to help a person, when you are not ready, the one who you are asking help for will also feel burdened. If one ever says no to you, don’t get all mad about him or her. Try and understand the situation.

However, don’t keep this as an excuse and keep declining all events where you have been asked for help. You can’t avoid all circumstances. Try and do the best possible for you while giving out the maximum for others. Also, remember that these people are the ones whom you have to reach out for when you are in need of help.

Soul mate; a mythical creature?

God created man and woman for each other. At least, this is what creationists believe. Whether you - See more at: http://www.nation.lk/edition/free/item/29944-soul-mate-a-mythical-creature?.html#sthash.uRsr8SOn.dpuf

God created man and woman for each other. At least, this is what creationists believe. Whether you - See more at: http://www.nation.lk/edition/free/item/29944-soul-mate-a-mythical-creature?.html#sthash.uRsr8SOn.dpuf

 

 

God created man and woman for each other. At least, this is what creationists believe. Whether you - See more at: http://www.nation.lk/edition/free/item/29944-soul-mate-a-mythical-creature?.html#sthash.uRsr8SOn.dpuf

God created man and woman for each other. At least, this is what creationists believe. Whether you believe in creationism or not, scientific explanations also make us deduce that human beings are not meant to be alone. A human being, like any other creature living on this planet, should mate and breed in order to guarantee the survival of its kind. If we were meant to be alone, we should have had the ability to reproduce on our own. Yet, we don’t. So the logic is proved that we are not meant to be lone creatures.

 When it comes to human beings, finding a partner is not only for reproduction. You cannot just choose someone and get married for the sake of guarantying the safety of your species. To tally with the morally correct and acceptable behavior, as we all know, another dynamic should also be fulfilled for this process of mating. This factor, which is love, does not come with any scientific or logical explanation. However, love happens; easily for some and not so easily for the others.
Remember when we were teenagers and we didn’t settle for anything less than a perfect looking boy/girl? Every good looking girl/boy seemed to be the right person. Yet, as we (not everyone) grew older and wiser, we understood that it’s not only the looks that matter.  Therefore, we began our mission to seek for a soul mate. Some found the one who seems to be right, some didn’t. Some stopped because they thought that they found their soul mate, yet understood that they are not-so-compatible, as time passed by. Some had to restart their mission. There were also a few who gave up and abandoned their mission.    
However, what does the term ‘soul mate’ even mean? According to some, a soul mate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can completely and honestly be who we are. But is there such person as a soul mate? Let’s try and be a little more realistic. We may have had our expectations about our life partners, but does your current partner meet all of it? For those who are still seeking partners, do you think that you will find a guy/gal who will have all expected qualities? Be honest with yourself and think of an answer.
In reality, the traditional definition of soul mate, the one perfect romantic partner for you in the world, can be challenged.  What if your true-other-half is a completely ignorant, childish person with no manners? Are you allowed to leave them? If he/she is the one, do you have to stick with this person forever, even though this person brings you unbearable pain?  What if your soul mate is already married to someone else? Can you steal someone else’s partner for the sake of being your soul mate?
For an outsider, this might look like an involuntary process where there are ready-made soul mates available for each other. Some may think that love comes easily and your soul mate is just waiting out there, waiting to be met. This is a matter of inexperience. People who have struggled in life, married and formed a family with their right partner know that the journey was not predefined.
Remember that no relationship is perfect. All your relationships including your friends, family and love life will have ups and downs. Successful relationships depend on hard work and compatibility. Your great uncle and aunt were together for more than 40 years not because they met each other’s soul mates, but they became each other’s soul mate. If you are not sure, ask them whether they had a perfect relationship all this long, where aunt never had to talk to your uncle in a tough tone. Ask your uncle whether he read your aunt’s mind perfectly accurate at all times. Be surprised only if they say yes.
Let’s assume that soul mates exist. Even then, finding that person who will understand you perfectly and take care of all your needs, can take years.  If you are going to pretend to be someone else, there is a big fat chance that you will never find a soul mate. Focus on the things that make you a wonderful human being. Be yourself. Keep an open mind and expect the unexpected. With a little bit of confidence, self-respect you will be able to find the person of your dreams. However, it is always a thousand times better to be forever alone that to be with a soul mate who abuses you in any form causing you distress.

Bibliomaniac vs. Bookworm

There are different types of people in the society; people who hate books, people who have to read books (like it or not), who like reading books, who love reading books and people who see books in between physiological needs and safety in Maslow's hierarchy of needs. In the last category, you will also find that there are some who are addicted to buying books. 

If you fall into the last category, you are the type of a person who happens to visit a bookstore every couple of weeks just to check the latest arrivals. When you visit the bookstore and see new books, you feel overwhelmed and have the urge to buy a new book. So, you will buy, glance through few pages and put it aside to read it when you finish whatever you were doing before you bought the book. Your schedule will be hectic, you will come across many things and your new book will wait for you, wherever you put it. Although you are busy, deep inside you will always know that there is a book waiting for you to read.

But, over the next couple of weeks your feet will drag you to the bookstore on your way home. Although you still remember the book you bought last week, which is waiting for you, you will see another must-have book on a shelf. You will do the math in your head, make a schedule that you will have a plenty of time to read and reason out yourself why you should be buying this new book. Ultimately, your rationale will win. You will buy this new book and the book you bought last week will have to shift into your bookshelf.

If you too are like this, it is time to admit that you are addicted to buying books. I know this because I am an addict. I have so many books just sitting in piles around my house waiting to be read, and what do I do several times every single month? I keep buying new books. I keep buying although I know that I should finish what I already have before buying anymore, but I just can't!

I also learnt that I am not alone. If you’re like me, and you too are addicted to buy more books than you can read, you too must have wondered how you are going to stop this habit. It is not like that we can stop this habit at once. Every month I think of ending this habit, considering the financial aspect of it.  It is really hard, but no one can afford to be broke in the middle of each month.

Interestingly, while surfing the net to seek for a way to control my habit, I came across the word, bibliomania. Bibliomania is one of the several unusual behaviors associated with books and it is characterized by collecting of books which is neither useful to the collector or to any great intrinsic value to a genuine book collector. Bibliomaniacs are different from bibliophiles. According to Wikipedia, bibliophilia or bibliophilism is the love of books. Accordingly a bibliophile is an individual who loves books. A bookworm (sometimes pejorative) is someone who loves books for their content, or who otherwise loves reading.

However, bibliomania is different from just hoarding your bookshelves with books.  Bibliomania can be a symptom of obsessive–compulsive disorder which involves collecting books to the point where social relations or health are damaged. Surprisingly there are more abnormal behaviors involving books including book-eating (bibliophagy), compulsive book-stealing (bibliokleptomania) and book-burying (bibliotaphy).

Experts on the internet suggest that making a rule that you will read some number of books you currently own before buying another one could help my bad habit. This will let you control your book purchasing habits without requiring that you wait several years until you've read the entire existing selection. It also encourages you to read more, knowing that you can reward yourself with a new book soon enough, and not feel guilty about it.

Also, make a list of books you want to buy. Try to stick to it. This will also help you to reduce the number of books you buy. You can also try the Kindle or e-versions of books. But, some people find it difficult to read the e-versions, therefore they stick with the ordinary books. If none of these are helping, try out the ‘buy one, get rid of one’ rule. If you buy a book, immediately get rid of a book you already have and have finished reading. Either donate it to a library, one in need or give it to a friend. Best of all get a library membership and borrow books to read. Visit the library instead of visiting a bookstore. Keeping away from the bookstores will surely help you.