A bad dream

To me

You are like
a bad dream

I once had

A bad dream

I want to forget

A bad dream
I cannot wake up from

You are like
a bad dream I want to

Wake up from !

There can be no companionship with a fool

We hear that we are social beings all the time. We carve friendships of others. We look for shoulders to cry on, hands to hold. While majority is like this, there are a few among us who carve solitude and for some unexplainable reason, the society tries to look at these alone-people with an eye of suspect. However, there is a great difference between being lonely and being alone. Many people are alone and lead happy lives.

Loneliness might seem like a bad thing. It is not a soothing feeling you get when you know that there is no one you can rely on. It’s tough when you do not have someone to talk to when you are sad. But, is it all right if we keep a relationship with another person for the sake of not being lonely?

Friends are an essential element of a successful life indeed; value of a good relationship cannot be measured. What’s also immeasurable is the harm a depressing companionship will cause on you.

Buddhism speaks about loners, explains why they should continue to be alone if they cannot find a better or an equal companion. 61^st verse of Dhammapada says:

Carance nadhigaccheyya
seyyam sadisamattano
ekacariyaram dalham kayira
natthi bale sahayata.

(Meaning: Avoid going along with fools. Should one fail to find one better or equal as companion, then one should continue this journey alone. There can be no friendship with fools.)

These lines were delivered by the Buddha while he was residing at the Jetavana monastery. Mahakassapa thera, one of the Buddha's most eminent disciples was residing near Rajagaha Nuwara with two young bhikkhus. One of them was respectful, obedient and dutiful to the thera, but the other was not. When the old thera blamed the latter for his slackness in his duties, he was very much offended. On one occasion, he went to the house of a lay-disciple of the thera, and lied to them that the thera was ill. Thus, he got some choice food from them for the thera; but he ate the food on the way. When admonished by the thera for this, he was extremely angry. The next day, when the thera was out on his alms-round, the young foolish bhikkhu stayed behind, broke the pots and pans and set fire to the monastery. When a bhikkhu from Rajagaha told the Buddha about this, the Buddha said, “If a person seeking a companion cannot find one who is better than or equal to him, let him resolutely go on alone; there can be no companionship with a fool,” pointing out that it would have been much better for   Mahakassapa Thera to live alone than to live with a foolish companion. 

Another similar story is read in Dhammapada verse 330.

Ekassa caritam seyyo
natthi bale sahayata
eko care na ca papani kayira
appossukko matanga' ranneva nago.

 Meaning of this verse is that, ‘it is better to live alone; there is no fellowship with a fool. So one should live alone, do no evil, and be carefree like the elephant roaming alone in the forest.’

 It’s not always easy to tell a positive relationship from a negative one. Yet if a friendship is stressing you out and demands too much from you, most probably that is a negative friendship. You know that it is not a positive relationship when you don’t get anything back no matter how much you offer. These toxic relationships can be bad for our mental health and well-being. 

If you are a person who is afraid to be alone or a person who is tired of friends who destroy the best in you, it is time to think back. Always remember that friends you make is a choice of yours. If you can’t see a single way of improving your toxic relationship, you should think about letting it go. You don’t have to keep friends to show the world that you are not alone. Don’t be scared of being lonely; be scared of foolish companionship which may suck your life out of you. Being a forever-alone will be not so scary if you consider the harm done by toxic relationships.

Life lesson from a tuk-tuk driver

I went to school in a school van service from grade one to 13. Most of us became good friends within a few years and shared many experiences during that period, both good and bad. We weren’t always good children. Mischievous at times, we learnt a few lessons for life from some things we did.  I still remember one such lesson which made us learn a lesson through the feeling of guilt. As I remember, I was still in grade three; it was the period when we weren’t much thrilled about the food inside our lunch boxes. My friend and I used to return home with a not-empty lunch box at least two days a week. We all know what a not-empty lunchbox means. It means disaster if you get caught to your mother. My friend was also scared of her mother and knew what’s waiting for her if she didn’t empty her lunchbox before she gets home. We had to do something but we couldn’t eat what’s inside because we were worried whether the food was stale.

I can’t remember whose idea it was or how we started it; I only remember that we wanted to have fun and save my friend from her mother. We started throwing food out from the open shutter targeting kids traveling in school vans. It was an ugly thing to do, but we didn’t realize it then, since we were all kids. It was fun and the lunchbox got empty. That’s all what we knew.

We couldn’t continue shooting kids with bread for a long time. One day we threw food into a three-wheeler in which there were three kids in the back seat. They were our targets. We were masters of shooting bread by then and we managed to throw a few pieces of bread in to this three-wheeler. Those children got irritated and complained to the tuk-tuk driver and he wanted our diver uncle to pull over. He didn’t do as the tuk-tuk driver said and fate decided to meet us up near the color lights.

And we got a lecture; a lecture I still remember after one and half decades. He asked us whether we knew how many kids starve with no food and whether we know how hard our parents have to work that they could feed us everyday. He blamed us for dirtying his vehicle that he’ll have to wash it now.  He scolded us, ‘Oyala maha pawukara lamay,’ (you sinful children). That was the last time we ever threw food out of our school van or from any other vehicle. Even today, I think twice before throwing any amount of food away.

Sometimes you learn lessons from complete strangers. This is just one such event. You too, may have lots of stories to tell, where you learned lessons from strangers. We humans make mistakes, sometimes because we are so ignorant about the consequences of our act and sometimes because we’ve got nothing else to do. However, if you carry the guilt feeling on your shoulder, although you made the mistake unconsciously, then there is a chance that this guilt would become a greater problem than the penalty of the real mistake.

The feeling of guilt can be an advantage at times. When your body is out of food, it sends you a message, a feeling of hunger, to notify you that you need to have food. When your phone battery is low it sends you an alert that it needs to be recharged. Likewise when you get to know that you have violated a morale value, consciously or unconsciously, your mind sends you a message telling you that you shouldn’t have done so. This is called ‘guilt’. This is what happened to our little mischievous gang in the school van; the guilt feeling motivated us to be better children.

But sometimes people carry guilt around for unrealistic reasons. Let’s say a girl who ended her relationship with her boyfriend is carrying a guilt feeling with her for the thought that she ruined this boy’s life. In reality, if the girl stayed with the guy, it would cause more harm to both of them. It would be futile to fret over this for years and years. Let’s say that you went out with your friends and a terrible accident happened. Your friend got badly injured. You feel guilty about what happened to your friend because it was your idea to go out with him or her that day.

Guilt occurs because we focus on the emotion itself and ignore the real reason behind the incident. This girl might have ended her relationship because it was no good for both of them and your friend got injured because he wasn’t careful crossing the road and not because you invited him out. But both of them could leave out the reasons and be guilty for the rest of their lives. You can see that there is no point if you carry the guilt with them taking the responsibility in both incidents.

It is only a fool who makes the same mistake twice. If you make a mistake, learn your lesson from it. Take this an aid to help your life. Always remember that the real problem is not making mistakes, but not learning from your mistakes and carrying unnecessary guilt on your shoulders.

Designer labels: A waste of money?

During my school days I didn’t know anything about branded clothes or accessories other than for Prada. I knew the brand Prada only because I watched the 2006 movie The Devil Wears Prada starring Anne Hathaway and Meryl Streep. Being a girl who is ignorant about fashion, I couldn’t understand most of the fashion discussions my colleagues had or why they spend so much money on clothes, cosmetics or makeovers when I started working. I was amazed by their knowledge on fashion, cosmetics and branded items. Some of them even knew to name the design of what Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge was wearing when she came out from the hospital with Prince George. I tried to listen to them and learn a few things about fashion and brands including that Duchess of Cambridge was wearing a Polka dot dress on this day. But I failed to understand them and finally decided to give up. However, I didn’t stop eavesdropping.

Hanging out with them, I learnt that some think that the only way to look good and fashionable is to purchase expensive materials- clothing or accessories from a well known, high-class shop. Some tend to pay a lot of money just for the name printed on the cloth’s price tag- its brand. You know how branded goods are expensive. Conversely, people who don’t believe in buying designer brands say some are only paying for the brand names and not for the product and its use. I believe that this statement could be interpreted as right and wrong at the same time depending on the materials they use.

Some may say that one will only be paying for the brand name and that the product is no better than any other. While you are paying in part for the privilege to wear the brand’s name, you are also probably purchasing a product that is high in quality. High quality clothes tend to last long and fit better while giving you the satisfaction of wearing branded clothing. But most of the branded fashion items are not local. Therefore, they are made to tally their customer’s needs and climate but not ours.  As an example, a branded leather jacket from UK or USA would not be suitable for this countries climate.

However, this habit of wearing or using branded material seems to be an attempt of keeping one’s social status.  Wearing designer clothing aligns you with an elite group which includes people who can afford it. Also, only the people who spend money on, or wear designer clothing recognize designer clothing. They can also usually recognize cheap clothing. Sometimes it seems like an endless battle of making each other jealous of their branded clothing, which helps them keep up to their status.

It is true that designer clothing is unique and rare. But you can also fulfill your need with usual clothing along with a little bit of creativity. You can make fashion an art but not a thing to be used to show off some status you do not have. However, if you are a fashion icon or a celebrity, buying and wearing designer clothing can be justified. But it is hard to rationalize why a normal person would spend money on designer clothes and branded items just to come to work. You are coming to your office to work, perform your duties, and showing off your social status cannot be among your duties.

Same goes with the fashion jewelry and other accessories.  A 1,000 rupee wrist watch and a 100,000 rupee wrist watch would read the same time if they are adjusted properly. So, why spend more money? Sri Lanka is still a developing country. There are people suffering who are unable to fulfill their basic needs. There are children deprived of education and there are people who have got only one change of clothes.  There are thousands of classrooms across the country without a wall clock to check the time while you wear an extremely expensive watch which you never use to check the time. You’ve got a sophisticated phone in your hand which helps you to read time. Therefore, you don’t even have to wear a watch.

When you spend too much money on branded expensive goods, think twice whether they are essential to you. See whether you can get another brand for a lower cost. Stop spending money unnecessarily, especially on imported products. Help a poor student to learn, if you think you need to spend this money. Think about the country, think about its future. Spend wisely on meaningful things.

How to say NO without looking like a jerk

We like to please others, from the beggars getting in to the bus hoping that there will be kind hearts who would spare some change for them, mother who is asking you to help prepare dinner to a colleague who is asking to stand in for him in an office issue. Pleasing others who asks you for help is one of the kindest things you can do, therefore saying NO to these people will be an extremely hard thing to do. How can you say ‘no’ to the person who stands up for you at office or your mother who always takes care of you? It will be a rude thing to do. Sometimes, in your head you might think it is your responsibility to help out the near and dear ones. Saying ‘no’ when you have this feeling might provoke a guilt feeling.

It’s good if you never have to turn down requests of your friends or loved ones. Yet, there is a limit you can be helping others. Helping people can be great, but if you say yes to everyone who asks, you'll never be able to do it all and you will not have time to attend to your matters. If you are included in the category, which you can’t open you mouth to say ‘no, there is a chance that you get loaded with tasks that you don’t enjoy performing. This isn't good for anyone; not to you or to the person who was seeking help. You're not going to do your best when you're unhappy.

If you are a person, who finds it hard to say ‘no’, you are probably aware of this and maybe you have experienced it. You might have wanted to say ‘no’ to reject some but something inside you prevented you from saying it. Therefore, as usual, you carried the other person’s chip on your shoulder, even though it weighs too much for you. How do you stop saying ‘yes’ to everyone.

But, how do you say no to a request with out looking like a jerk? All what you need is a little bit of confidence to speak out your mind. Here’s how you can turn down a request asking for help without making yourself look like a jerk. When a person asks you for help and you feel that you aren’t ready to help him or her, have the guts to say ‘no’. But first, let the person finish what he or she is saying. Think to yourself whether it’s possible or not. Don’t interrupt the person until he/she finishes talking. Learn to listen to the person with respect, even though this person is continuous help seeker who has almost got on your nerves for reaching out to you for every simple thing.  

You may feel bad for declining, but don’t show the other person that you are upset about it. Keep your voice calm and confident and keep it as simple as, “sorry, I will not be able to help you this time.” It will remind this person that you have already helped him several times and will be available to help him in the future events. If the person looks disappointed, don’t try to explain yourself or confront him with the previous times you have offered him help. 

Do not feel obligated to explain. You have your reasons and they may not be ones you wish to discuss.  Keep in mind that it's your time they're are requesting for and you have the choice to accept or decline what they're asking of you.

But in return, you too must understand that there will be events where others will have to decline your requests for help. As much as you feel burdened to help a person, when you are not ready, the one who you are asking help for will also feel burdened. If one ever says no to you, don’t get all mad about him or her. Try and understand the situation.

However, don’t keep this as an excuse and keep declining all events where you have been asked for help. You can’t avoid all circumstances. Try and do the best possible for you while giving out the maximum for others. Also, remember that these people are the ones whom you have to reach out for when you are in need of help.

Soul mate; a mythical creature?

God created man and woman for each other. At least, this is what creationists believe. Whether you - See more at: http://www.nation.lk/edition/free/item/29944-soul-mate-a-mythical-creature?.html#sthash.uRsr8SOn.dpuf

God created man and woman for each other. At least, this is what creationists believe. Whether you - See more at: http://www.nation.lk/edition/free/item/29944-soul-mate-a-mythical-creature?.html#sthash.uRsr8SOn.dpuf

 

 

God created man and woman for each other. At least, this is what creationists believe. Whether you - See more at: http://www.nation.lk/edition/free/item/29944-soul-mate-a-mythical-creature?.html#sthash.uRsr8SOn.dpuf

God created man and woman for each other. At least, this is what creationists believe. Whether you believe in creationism or not, scientific explanations also make us deduce that human beings are not meant to be alone. A human being, like any other creature living on this planet, should mate and breed in order to guarantee the survival of its kind. If we were meant to be alone, we should have had the ability to reproduce on our own. Yet, we don’t. So the logic is proved that we are not meant to be lone creatures.

 When it comes to human beings, finding a partner is not only for reproduction. You cannot just choose someone and get married for the sake of guarantying the safety of your species. To tally with the morally correct and acceptable behavior, as we all know, another dynamic should also be fulfilled for this process of mating. This factor, which is love, does not come with any scientific or logical explanation. However, love happens; easily for some and not so easily for the others.
Remember when we were teenagers and we didn’t settle for anything less than a perfect looking boy/girl? Every good looking girl/boy seemed to be the right person. Yet, as we (not everyone) grew older and wiser, we understood that it’s not only the looks that matter.  Therefore, we began our mission to seek for a soul mate. Some found the one who seems to be right, some didn’t. Some stopped because they thought that they found their soul mate, yet understood that they are not-so-compatible, as time passed by. Some had to restart their mission. There were also a few who gave up and abandoned their mission.    
However, what does the term ‘soul mate’ even mean? According to some, a soul mate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can completely and honestly be who we are. But is there such person as a soul mate? Let’s try and be a little more realistic. We may have had our expectations about our life partners, but does your current partner meet all of it? For those who are still seeking partners, do you think that you will find a guy/gal who will have all expected qualities? Be honest with yourself and think of an answer.
In reality, the traditional definition of soul mate, the one perfect romantic partner for you in the world, can be challenged.  What if your true-other-half is a completely ignorant, childish person with no manners? Are you allowed to leave them? If he/she is the one, do you have to stick with this person forever, even though this person brings you unbearable pain?  What if your soul mate is already married to someone else? Can you steal someone else’s partner for the sake of being your soul mate?
For an outsider, this might look like an involuntary process where there are ready-made soul mates available for each other. Some may think that love comes easily and your soul mate is just waiting out there, waiting to be met. This is a matter of inexperience. People who have struggled in life, married and formed a family with their right partner know that the journey was not predefined.
Remember that no relationship is perfect. All your relationships including your friends, family and love life will have ups and downs. Successful relationships depend on hard work and compatibility. Your great uncle and aunt were together for more than 40 years not because they met each other’s soul mates, but they became each other’s soul mate. If you are not sure, ask them whether they had a perfect relationship all this long, where aunt never had to talk to your uncle in a tough tone. Ask your uncle whether he read your aunt’s mind perfectly accurate at all times. Be surprised only if they say yes.
Let’s assume that soul mates exist. Even then, finding that person who will understand you perfectly and take care of all your needs, can take years.  If you are going to pretend to be someone else, there is a big fat chance that you will never find a soul mate. Focus on the things that make you a wonderful human being. Be yourself. Keep an open mind and expect the unexpected. With a little bit of confidence, self-respect you will be able to find the person of your dreams. However, it is always a thousand times better to be forever alone that to be with a soul mate who abuses you in any form causing you distress.

Bibliomaniac vs. Bookworm

There are different types of people in the society; people who hate books, people who have to read books (like it or not), who like reading books, who love reading books and people who see books in between physiological needs and safety in Maslow's hierarchy of needs. In the last category, you will also find that there are some who are addicted to buying books. 

If you fall into the last category, you are the type of a person who happens to visit a bookstore every couple of weeks just to check the latest arrivals. When you visit the bookstore and see new books, you feel overwhelmed and have the urge to buy a new book. So, you will buy, glance through few pages and put it aside to read it when you finish whatever you were doing before you bought the book. Your schedule will be hectic, you will come across many things and your new book will wait for you, wherever you put it. Although you are busy, deep inside you will always know that there is a book waiting for you to read.

But, over the next couple of weeks your feet will drag you to the bookstore on your way home. Although you still remember the book you bought last week, which is waiting for you, you will see another must-have book on a shelf. You will do the math in your head, make a schedule that you will have a plenty of time to read and reason out yourself why you should be buying this new book. Ultimately, your rationale will win. You will buy this new book and the book you bought last week will have to shift into your bookshelf.

If you too are like this, it is time to admit that you are addicted to buying books. I know this because I am an addict. I have so many books just sitting in piles around my house waiting to be read, and what do I do several times every single month? I keep buying new books. I keep buying although I know that I should finish what I already have before buying anymore, but I just can't!

I also learnt that I am not alone. If you’re like me, and you too are addicted to buy more books than you can read, you too must have wondered how you are going to stop this habit. It is not like that we can stop this habit at once. Every month I think of ending this habit, considering the financial aspect of it.  It is really hard, but no one can afford to be broke in the middle of each month.

Interestingly, while surfing the net to seek for a way to control my habit, I came across the word, bibliomania. Bibliomania is one of the several unusual behaviors associated with books and it is characterized by collecting of books which is neither useful to the collector or to any great intrinsic value to a genuine book collector. Bibliomaniacs are different from bibliophiles. According to Wikipedia, bibliophilia or bibliophilism is the love of books. Accordingly a bibliophile is an individual who loves books. A bookworm (sometimes pejorative) is someone who loves books for their content, or who otherwise loves reading.

However, bibliomania is different from just hoarding your bookshelves with books.  Bibliomania can be a symptom of obsessive–compulsive disorder which involves collecting books to the point where social relations or health are damaged. Surprisingly there are more abnormal behaviors involving books including book-eating (bibliophagy), compulsive book-stealing (bibliokleptomania) and book-burying (bibliotaphy).

Experts on the internet suggest that making a rule that you will read some number of books you currently own before buying another one could help my bad habit. This will let you control your book purchasing habits without requiring that you wait several years until you've read the entire existing selection. It also encourages you to read more, knowing that you can reward yourself with a new book soon enough, and not feel guilty about it.

Also, make a list of books you want to buy. Try to stick to it. This will also help you to reduce the number of books you buy. You can also try the Kindle or e-versions of books. But, some people find it difficult to read the e-versions, therefore they stick with the ordinary books. If none of these are helping, try out the ‘buy one, get rid of one’ rule. If you buy a book, immediately get rid of a book you already have and have finished reading. Either donate it to a library, one in need or give it to a friend. Best of all get a library membership and borrow books to read. Visit the library instead of visiting a bookstore. Keeping away from the bookstores will surely help you.